You know that saying "Dance Like Nobody's Watching"?
I hate it.
In these times, someone is watching and probably recording it and if you look ridiculous enough, they are uploading it to YouTube.
And if I were to dance, EVERYBODY would be watching (both live and on YouTube) and cringing and thinking "Wow, is she having a full body muscle spasm? Should we call an ambulance?"
I cannot dance. I have no sense of rhythm. I am really not comfortable dancing and it shows.
I literally dread all dance-related events. Legitimately, one of the best parts of getting older is that your friends are more inclined to say "We should totally do brunch!" rather than "We should totally go dancing tonight!" Bring on the Eggs Benedict and harp infused tunes if it means not having to feign excitement over mind-numbing techno music in a crowded room filled with strangers who smell either like sweat or like they dove head first in a cologne or perfume pool.
But I do sometimes--in moments of irrational thinking--think that I do want to be the person who enjoys dancing. But how do you learn? Is there a class? I don't want to learn how to ballroom dance or modern dance or whatever. I just want to learn how to dance like a normal person does when music is heard in a social setting. My high school gym class chapter of line dancing to the Boot Scootin' Boogie apparently never gave me this life skill.
And then maybe, just maybe, I found the answer.
Thank you American Airlines and your runway delay a few months ago for giving me time to read your in-flight magazine and allowing me discover this article. All that has stood between me and a lifetime of dance avoidance was just five steps. Who knew?!
So I gave it a try. In the privacy of my own home. With the blinds closed. (And there will never ever be video footage of this. So don't even ask.)
Step 1: Strike (or fake) a confident stance. Fake it until I, yeah, I am never going to be confident doing this.
Step 2: Step-touch with the feet - plus hips. Flashback to every step aerobics class I have ever taken and hated. I was just waiting for the article to scream "And grapevine to the right!!!!" as I trip over my own feet.
Step 3: Bust out with a body roll. This is where it all falls apart. The instructions direct me to "move my head back and body roll down to my hips." And then roll right back up. This is not natural.
Step 4: Uncork the chaîné. I think the world might be a safer place if I am not uncorking anything in my dance moves.
Step 5: Remember: Less is more. Um, brunch anyone?